As I mentioned in my last post, I had a major life change about a month ago. Even though it has been stressful and REALLY hard, now that I have had some distance I am learning so much from it. It has touched every aspect of my life. I understand now the lessons I need to learn. Without going in to too much detail I have the opportunity to make some changes in my life. These changes will make me a better person. One who is strong and knows herself well. One who is fun to be around and the laid back person I used to be. This will make me a better friend and person to all those that I love.
When you reflect on your life and the changes you want to make sometimes it’s hard to realize the bad behaviors that have been a part of your way of life, especially if they were gradual over a long period of time. They are so ingrained in you that it becomes your reality even though you were not a happy person. Essentially you become functionally depressed. When you wake up one day and realize that leaving the house (unless you are going to work) is actually scary for you – you know you have some issues to work through.
The behaviors I have learned to rely on in the past were not working for me and my loved ones and for that I am truly sorry. On the outside most people saw a relatively happy person and had no idea what was really going on. The people closest to me were seeing a MUCH different side of me.
I owe them true apologies and in time I hope they will allow me tell them in person and forgive me.
The thing about change is it’s scary and it’s also awkward. You don’t know what you are doing as you are learning a new way of being in and looking at the world. Your actions that served you before (even if they were not the healthiest) are all you know or were modeled for you. To change those automatic reactions isn’t always easy. Meditation, yoga, working out at the gym, journaling and true reflection are helping so much with my understanding of what I MUST do to change and repair the damage I have caused. It’s a challenge that I am up for and one that I have accepted wholeheartedly.
Real change comes with time and acceptance. It was made painfully obvious to me what the behaviors I need to change are. Upon reflection I know that person is right. At the time and even now those realizations hurt. You never want to think of yourself as the type of person who hurts others intentionally. It was never meant to be purposeful. I was stuck in a pattern and way of thinking that didn’t serve me and my loved ones well at all.
For now I am taking it one day at a time. In recent weeks I have been getting back to the things I used to enjoy before this gradual shift in my attitude. I am trying new things as well. I am doing less reacting and more thinking about what it is that is REALLY going on. I am stepping out of my comfort zone. I have realized my perceptions in many instances were off and that is why I have reacted a certain way in the past. The filter I was running things people say through is a paradigm that doesn’t really serve me at all. It doesn’t make it right but now that I understand that I can make the necessary corrections and stop my old way of doing things and shift to a healthier way.
As much as I want to go back in time, I can’t change what happened. I do wish it didn’t have to come to this for me to wake up and take action. I do hope for a Mulligan in order to make things right. It’s definitely a wake up call for me and one that I am NOT going to ignore. Personal growth is the answer and people will begin to experience a more positive and healthy me showing up instead.
So stay tuned! 🙂